Poll: Relationships

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

“No matter what their conscious intentions, most people are attracted to mates who have their caretakers’ positive and negative traits, and, typically, the negative traits are more influential.” (Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love that You Want)

2. Do you agree or disagree with this follow-up statement?

“You realize that your love relationship has a hidden agenda – the healing of childhood wounds.” (Ibid.)

Oh, and discuss, please.

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~ by realsupergirl on March 14, 2007.

17 Responses to “Poll: Relationships”

  1. Hmmm. I think that many of the women I have been attracted to had my mom’s positive traits but I’ll have to think more about the negative traits. Indeed, it hadn’t even occurred to me until now that my mother MIGHT have negative traits, just things which annoy me personally.

    I absolutely agree with the second, but suspect that much of mature adulthood is built around healing childhood wounds: it just shows up more explicitly in intimate relationships.

  2. Maybe certain “positive” traits are necessarily linked to certain “negative” traits, and the one cannot happen without the other in a personality.

    Ferrinstance, if someone is creative and prone to flights of fancy, that person may be more likely to float from one project to the next without finishing or cleaning up after the first project.

    Really logical, intelligent people can be pedantic. Really empathetic people can be prone to melodrama. I think it’s less about healing childhood wounds and more about “goes with the territory.” If you like and love your parents (which I do), of course you will be attracted to people who remind you of them (i.e., people who share their personality traits and possibly resemble them in appearance).

    Our parents have a HUGE amount to do with who we become/are, so it stands to reason that they have an influence on our partner choices.

  3. “If you like and love your parents (which I do), of course you will be attracted to people who remind you of them (i.e., people who share their personality traits and possibly resemble them in appearance). ”

    But that would then assume people who have terrible parents (emotionally neglectful, abusive, alcoholic, etc) would look to avoid their parents – the opposite of which is usually true.

    Also, “childhood wounds” does not have to be traumatic – all people fail us, because they are human. The theory is, we seek in our partners to heal whatever particular way our early providers failed us.

  4. “I absolutely agree with the second, but suspect that much of mature adulthood is built around healing childhood wounds: it just shows up more explicitly in intimate relationships”

    I definitely agree with that – I think it can happen in boss-worker relationships, and friendships, as well, for example…

  5. Thats a strange way of looking at things I think…I thought the new trend in counseling was behavior modification and not Freudian analysis. I think, personally, I look for people to be in my life who are compatible and are seeking similar ideas/pleasure/fulfillment as myself. I see adult hood as working to make ourselves better each day because we’ve had time to see where our weaknesses lie. Also, I think we are attracted to people like our parents because they were our first role models of what adult hood should look like. Irregardless of their imperfections or wonderments. they were the first persons we sought for care, nourishment, and acceptance. It only makes sense for us to continue seeking comfort from similar individuals.

  6. Disagree on both counts. There are CERTAIN positive and negative traits that Sweetie shares with my parents (see: humor, corny sense of), but there are also ways in which he is very much not like them.

    And my childhood wounds are being healed directly with the parents, so no need to get a middle man involved.

  7. 1. Sure, to some extent, but not like in an all-out Freudian way. What we do now is shaped by what went on in the past, so we can relate it. But we obviously can’t make an equation and say that “all people who experienced X will later Y.” People and relationships are more complicated than that.

    2. Why does it have to be hidden? We humans do things primarily to get our needs met. If we’re basically healthy people, we try to balance our various needs and communicate about what we need. I’m sure there’s some “healing of childhood wounds” going on in there for most of us. But it doesn’t have to be some creepy “hidden” thing. Looking to get our needs met (in healthy or unhealthy ways) is a lifelong mission, really.

  8. Obviously Hendrix isn’t saying we replicate our parents completely – that would be impossible, since we’re all unique people. But I think what he would say is that the qualities that you were most drawn to/troubled by/hurt by/etc in your parents are the particular qualities you unconsciously seek out in your partner. And that while you do this to repeat –or hopefully re-work–old patterns, this certainly does not preclude working things through in a more direct way with your parents themselves.

  9. I like the thought of that, to constantly re-work things until they are right and good. I can see that pattern in so many folks that are always doing the same things with the same results but never seem to learn.

  10. 1) I need more information, which means that I essentially disagree. Why are negative traits more influential?

    I suppose it might be tied up with 2), with which I agree, more or less. As eeka13 said, why does it have to be hidden? And, as you pointed out, many of us are working out the healing of childhood wounds in lots of our adult relationships.

  11. cosette77, I just want to say, yes, yes, yes positive/negative traits. So, there, I said it.

  12. Why are the negative traits more influential? I’m not sure, but I think it has to do with human nature in general. Why do “flashbulb memories” (clear, precise, photographic memories of traumatic events) only occur for negative events, and not for positive ones? Why do we tend to remember our embarrassing moments more than our accomplishments? I think it has something to do with how emotionally charged they are – positive memories are wonderful, but happiness is more fleeting than sadness or trauma, and that emotional charge is what embeds it in our memory more firmly.

  13. Yeah, but why? Why does trauma embed in our memory more firmly? Is that a biological thing, to keep us safe and alive? Damn — my love of science really has made philosophy much less interesting, now that I believe that so much of human nature can be understood by human biology.

    So, then my question is, what kind of sense does it make to be attracted to mates that share your parents’ negative traits? Is there some kind of biological drive because their negative traits kept you safe and you want to continue to benefit from that sense of safety?

  14. Hendrix writes this about the question you ask:
    “The part of your brain that directed your search for a mate, however, was not logical…what your old brain was trying to do was re-create the conditions of your upbringing, in order to correct them…attempting to return to the scene of your original frustration so that you could resolve unfinished business.”

    Don’t know if that helps, but it seem to me to make intuitive sense that if we have something that is unresolved (and we all do) that we are constantly searching resolution for them, and that therefore we replay that our in our relationships over and over again until we get it “right.”

  15. Have you ever wondered why the state and the federal government instruct people not to study title 26 or to look at the tax statutes and the code of federal regulations? They tell you must incorporate your business and must have an accountant or CPA and a tax lawyer. But don’t try to learn anything the government has done so they can TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND YOUR PROPERTY. Oh you think it is your patriotic duty to do as the government says. OR ELSE!

    The truth is simple. It is every American Citizens Responsibility to study the laws that are being forced on them. The truth is very few people have ever done their due diligence therefore do not understand why the Federal Income tax laws do not apply to most Americans in these 50 separate sovereign and independent states of this Union.

    So we unfortunately see the stupid comment that “Hey I have to pay so why shouldn’t they have to pay too.” The problem is the people that say that inane comment have never studied the code the statutes and the federal regulations therefore, they believe that they are obligated to pay a tax they don’t even owe. The government loves uneducated people and so do most criminals. It is much harder to for a thief to steal from somebody who has taken the time to understand how the criminal con game is played. This is simple extortion. It is tyranny when you live in fear of your government. It is freedom when your government fears its people.

    Now that is not to say the Federal Income tax is not legal because it is and it exists in harmony with the Constitution. So how can the law not apply to everybody? Well the trick is to go buy Title 26, the code of federal regulations and get the Federal Register. Once you have done this then you can begin to understand the question. And most importantly DO NOT GO TALK TO A LAWYER OR CPA until you have read the items I listed. Then visit them with questions. You will see them hem and haw because most CPA’s and tax lawyers themselves have not studied these items. They have been trained in procedure, not law. They will tell you; hey you have to pay Uncle Sam no matter what. They make money on you too so they have a vested interest in keeping you as stupid as possible.

    Here are some simple questions for you to answer.

    Are you a Federal citizen? What is a Federal citizen and how do you become one? What is a Federal Territory or Possession? Where are these Territories and Possessions? Are you a corporate officer? Do you own a corporation? Do you manufacture Alcohol Tobacco or Firearms? Do you engage in employment for any state or federal agency? Do you work for a Defense Contractor? Have you taken an oath of office for any state or federal government agency? Do you know the difference between “wages” and “compensation” for labor? Do you know what the term “Income” means according to the Constitution? Do you know what two taxes are legal under the constitution and can you name them? What the Buck Act? Who owns the Federal Reserve Bank? What is Title 26? Who wrote Title 26, the Statutes and the Code of Federal Regulations? Is the IRS a legitimate US government Agency? Where is the IRS domiciled? What is the Victory tax Act? How did the government operate before the Victory tax Act? Where does your tax money really go? Can the government exist without the Federal Income Tax?

    This is just a small sample of the questions you need to answer correctly. Once you have studied these questions then you will understand why the Federal Income Tax does NOT apply to you! Until then, you are not qualified to speak intelligently on the complicated matter.

    The average person on the street can not answer even one of these questions. So how hard it is to listen to uneducated peasants remark that ““well shucks ifin I has to pay then you gots to pay too.” Spoken like a good little government minions bowing at the government alter.

    The US Government hates educated people. They are a threat to their extorion operation. So stay stupid. Keep paying what you don’t owe and take the microchip in May 2008.

  16. Here are 5 cases won. That’s rigth the DOJ/IRS lost these cases.

    William Wallace Lear. Vernice Kuglin. Robert Lawrence. Ex IRS Agent Joe Bannister. Whitey Harrell.

    That’s right, the IRS doesn’t always win. They just tell you never lose. They lie in order to keep everyone scared to defend themslves. Have you ever notice that every March and April you see the media doing the IRS’s dirty work by televising IRS raids and prosecutions. That’s to remind you that you had better stay in line or else. Enjoy the continued extortion by a non government agency on behalf of FRB.

    There is so much more to say but I have said enough.

  17. You made your point weeks ago in the post when this was the topic. Or, if it wasn’t you making the point, someone else was. Do you have an opinion about the quote? Cause that’s what we’re discussing now.

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