Day 32

And so month two commences. It’s Super Bowl Sunday. I only vaguely care, because I do live in New England and Tom Brady is pretty awesome.

Went to the gym yesterday for the first time in months. I’m back up 15 pounds after losing 30. So discouraging. And triggering for my anxiety about my health. Rationally, I know how to refocus myself, recommit myself to changes I’ve made before, and that most of my physical “symptoms” are manifestations of my anxiety. But emotionally, it’s not that easy. It’s exhausting, being wired for anxiety.

Our boy is officially becoming a “threenager” with opinions of his own. We always said I’d be in charge when we had a teenager, because I’m better with that age. But it is different when it’s your own kid. And when you’re raising a black kid, the risks and stakes are higher in encouraging them to express their independence and free thinking in a racist society. I still think his overall laid back personality will help, but it raises my anxiety as well.

This is me, on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Worried and anxious. For the Pats, about my health, about my son. Welcome to the inside of my brain.


~ by realsupergirl on February 1, 2015.

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