Day 156

Forgive me, I think I’ve jumped into the deep end of nostalgia. My 20 year college reunion is in a week, and my friend from high school David Crabb has written a book called Bad Kid which is all too real and about growing up in San Antonio and going to my high school.

So today, I had 20 minutes free (as in, no client and no preschooler clamoring for my attention, no chores to do) and I was thinking about my one of my best friends in high school, Anna. I’ve written about her here.

But there’s so many more stories to tell. Do I want to relive them? Do I want to tell them? Would she want me to tell them? How did you do it, David? I understand it is therapeutic – hell, I even facilitate a Memoir Group – but it’s so much. So much to dredge up.

Anna was one of the first people I know who came out to me. No, that’s wrong. I knew lots of gay boys – David and Glen and Devin and Lee…they all seemed so comfortable with who they were, by the time I knew them. Of course, reading David’s book I see now that he wasn’t so comfortable with who he was, and probably the others weren’t as well. Probably that says something about how well I really knew them, maybe how well we really know anyone when we are 16. So Anna. She wasn’t even the first girl who came out to me, I realize, that honor belongs to Juanita, who came out as bisexual a year earlier. But that seemed relatively easy for her too, though I knew her well enough to know it wasn’t. Anna was where the shit got real.

I spent most of my lunch periods my senior year at Anna’s house. She lived around the corner from our high school, so we’d just leave campus and not come back. No one cared unless there was a pep rally – then they guarded the exits like hyenas guarding a carcass. You don’t fuck around with pep rallies in Texas. I spent the night with her many a time, and it was always platonic. Her father was a scary, Texas good old boy, but he wasn’t around much, so we had the house to ourselves. You’d think having that many people coming out to me in high school it might have occurred to me that I too was queer, but no, I happily went along making out with boys, ignoring the tingle I got when certain girls were present. I guess that’s bisexual privilege.

Anna was a year younger than me, so I would come back from college and we’d still hang out. It was that year that things are a bit of a blur, and probably not coincidentally there was a shit ton of alcohol and pot being consumed. Mostly in the back of Tommy’s house with a bunch of other gay boys who’d come out since I left high school. I seriously don’t remember any of that crew except Anna. But shit got more real – Anna was drinking so much her stomach was bleeding, I remember that. I was drinking so much I was blacking out often.

Late in her senior year she started dating Amanda. Shortly thereafter, her father found some letters she wrote to Amanda. And shit hit the fan. I met Anna for an urgent meeting in the traffic circle of our high school, and she disappeared off to Austin where her mother lived after that. Which is how I lost touch with her, until I found her again on Facebook.

Turns out, she lives in Massachusetts, is happily married to a woman, and has a family. Same as me. I’m glad we both survived.


~ by realsupergirl on June 5, 2015.

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